I’d like to tell you all about my discovery of the pothead’s favorite morning ritual: the Hippie Speedball.
The Hippie Speedball, which is the act of smoking cannabis while drinking coffee, is something that I’m always working to refine and improve. Whether I tweak the Speedball with a new strain and coffee pairing or a new activity to accompany the high, I always find that a properly-tuned Hippie Speedball can set the tone for a great day.
So, how did I find out about the magical relationship between cannabis and café?
Well, it’s impolite to kiss and tell, but here I go anyway.
I’m unable to sleep in. I know, it’s weird, but I find it difficult to sleep past 6:30 am – and nearly impossible to sleep past eight. Everyone who’s ever witnessed me in the mornings has been baffled by this – including my few and unfortunate sexual partners.
Honestly, for a while, it wasn’t great. We’d go until one, two, maybe three in the morning… and I’d wake up with a California Redwood between my legs at 6:30, every time. An ex once asked me, _Does that thing have a snooze button?_ I felt bad. Normal people are still sleeping at 6:30, and I’d be lying there ready to hump the bedpost. I needed to figure something out.
One particularly sweaty morning in the heat of Arizona autumn, I woke up turned away with my back to my SO. I probably rolled in my sleep to get away from the excess body heat. Pleasantly surprised that I had kept my biology to myself, I saw the perfect opportunity to get out of bed without annoying the person next to me.
I brewed my coffee, a light roast of Colombian beans from a local organic grocery chain, in my French press and meandered outside. My roommate had used my bong the night before, so it was sitting on the table in the backyard. While my coffee cooled on the table, I decided to go inside and rinse the bong with some fresh water before I grabbed some ganja and my grinder from the cupboard. I walked back outside with the smokestuffs, checked my coffee, and loaded up a bowl; life was good.
Oh, friends, life was good.
I sipped my coffee. The fruity notes, untainted by acid (this is a huge benefit of the French press, which I highly recommend), remained in my mouth like fine dark chocolate. I turned to look at my bong, clean but stained by hard watermarks, and grabbed my hemp wick and lighter. I ripped a third of the bowl – enough to feel it, not enough to cough – and smiled as I blew smoke high into the desert air.
This Nine Pound Hammer, while it may not have been the prettiest rendition of the strain that I’ve seen, was a delightful pair with the Colombian coffee. Piney and herbal tones from the cannabis complimented the flowery and fruity tones of the light roast. You might think I’m going too far, and I’d normally agree with you.
But that’s the big idea with the Hippie Speedball. It’s not just a thing. It’s not only the coffee and cannabis. It’s a happening, friend. An experience. A lifestyle.
Drinking coffee while smoking the right strain is a sensual activity; we taste, we smell, and we feel both parts of the Hippie Speedball. Coffee lubricates the throat before smoke passes into the airways. Smoke streams over the steaming mug, engaging in a particulate pirouette before your eyes. Mindfulness, encouraged by a calming strain, transitions us into a caffeinated wakefulness without excessive blurring of the mind. If we choose a strain with high CBD content, it’s even better.
A nice high lasts a few hours, and it’s the same thing with a caffeine buzz. So there’s a lot more to this story, but I’ll keep it short. The moral?
More CBD = better Hippie Speedball.
The caffeine had kicked my body into gear. My muscles were ready to go, ready to hit something or push some stuff. The CBD facilitated a mind-body connection so strong that I could feel muscle fibers in my quads twitching individually while just sitting there. I knew: it was time for me to lift.
I walked into my garage and eyed my dumbbells. I rolled my body, feeling what needed to be worked, and my chest whispered to me: let’s get ripped, yo. I knew what to do.
With each contraction of my muscles, I felt a small climax. Endorphins were repeatedly injected into my bloodstream by my brain. The pain at the end of each set felt like a partner’s nails tearing into my chest instead of the normal cat-scratch sensation.
After my sets, I dropped down into push-ups, and pushed until my knees were shaking. If I wasn’t on my toes for the push-ups they would’ve been curled. Sweat dripped from my forehead, my muscles filled with blood, and my libido grew even larger than my beer belly.
I chugged a pint of water, poured another to swish and dump over my face, and grabbed one more to bring to the sweetheart in my bed.
Call me Star-Lord
I tried to open the door softly. She opened her eyes and looked up at me. I could tell, the game was over. We both knew what she wanted: my dadly bod.
She described it like I was steaming, like Chris Pratt with his shirt off in the Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 1. I told her it was probably weed smoke and that one of Chris Pratt’s earlier roles might be more appropriate.
We spent the rest of my high locked into the throes of love. With the CBD, I felt everything; with the THC, my mind was fully immersed in her; with the endorphins, I felt like a plus-sized god; with the caffeine, we rocked until her hips were sore and we both passed out.
That day, I was able to sleep in. Life was good.
The Hippie Speedball is a hugely versatile tool in the productive pothead’s toolbox; whether she wants to enjoy morning exercise that much more, to encourage more creativity in the early hours, to take advantage of morning sexytimes, or just to feel the morning shower with a bit more sensation, the Hippie Speedball marries the benefits of coffee and cannabis to deliver a chill and meaningful morning. Perfecting the Speedball enables you to set the tone you want for any day.
This discovery of the Hippie Speedball was just the beginning of my wake-and-bake exploration. I’ve found precise proportions, ideal movements, and exquisite coffee-cannabis pairings that help me decide the perfect Speedball for the day. I’m stoked to help you discover yours.